How to Stop Being Hard on Yourself at Work: 5 Effective Techniques
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Chapter 1: Understanding Self-Criticism in the Workplace
Do you struggle with the tendency to be overly critical of yourself at work?
Let me share a story about a client named Keisha, who works as a research analyst in a biomedical firm. During one of our coaching sessions, she arrived visibly upset. “I can’t stop replaying what happened in this morning’s meeting,” she confessed.
Keisha had dedicated considerable time preparing for an important staff meeting that included participants from around the globe. She thoroughly reviewed the agenda, crafted her talking points, and made sure to arrive early, eager to contribute.
Unfortunately, the meeting didn’t unfold as she had hoped. Keisha found it challenging to make her voice heard amidst more dominant colleagues. When it was her turn to speak, anxiety took over, causing her to stumble over her words. This incident consumed her thoughts, leading her to question her performance repeatedly. Why hadn’t she spoken up sooner? Why couldn’t she assert herself more effectively? Why did she veer off script during her presentation?
Keisha epitomizes what I refer to as a Sensitive Striver—high achievers who experience emotions and thoughts more intensely. While her ambition drives her, it also creates unrealistic expectations that can spiral into excessive self-doubt. If this resonates with you, you might also find yourself caught in the cycle of self-criticism.
This damaging habit can manifest in various ways: worrying excessively, harsh self-judgment, fixating on minor mistakes, overanalyzing perceived flaws, and blaming oneself. You might mistakenly think that self-criticism is a helpful motivator, but research shows that it often leads to procrastination and diminishes self-control and motivation. In fact, self-criticism can hinder your brain's ability to function optimally, obstructing your path to success.
Breaking the habit of being hard on yourself is a challenge, but it's achievable with practice and mindfulness. Below are five techniques I shared with Keisha that can also assist you in viewing yourself with greater balance and emotional clarity.
Stop Beating Yourself Up: Change Your Thinking! - YouTube
In this video, the speaker explores how changing your thought patterns can profoundly impact your self-perception and performance.
Section 1.1: Five Techniques to Ease Self-Criticism
Name Your Inner Critic
Creating a persona for your inner critic can help establish emotional distance from self-criticism. Consider giving your critic a humorous name or choosing a whimsical character from a story. For example, I refer to mine as "Goofus," but you might prefer names like "killjoy" or “the goblin.” One of my clients even named his inner critic after Lord Voldemort from Harry Potter, keeping a small statue on his desk as a reminder to temper his self-judgment. By naming your inner critic, you practice cognitive defusion—separating your thoughts from your identity—which can reduce discomfort and enhance psychological flexibility.
Avoid Generalizations
When I prompted Keisha to recount the meeting in detail, it became clear that her anxiety was perceived only by her. The COO later messaged her, praising her insights during the meeting. This illustrates the "spotlight effect," where individuals overestimate the attention their actions attract. To counteract this, focus on your overall performance rather than fixating on one negative moment. Just like grades on a bell curve, most of your efforts will likely be average or better. Keisha learned that she was hindering her progress by turning a single incident into a sweeping generalization about her capabilities.
Reframe the "What If" Scenarios
Our brains are wired to find meaning and answers, particularly sensitive individuals who excel at anticipating outcomes. Instead of dwelling on negative possibilities, direct your thoughts toward positive outcomes. Ask questions like:
- What if upper management loves my proposal?
- What if my suggestion sparks a breakthrough for the project?
- What if my ideas enhance team collaboration?
Utilize Time Management for Emotional Processing
Excessive self-criticism can disrupt your focus and emotional health. Interestingly, feelings of shame and humiliation usually last only 30 to 50 minutes. Use this to your advantage by setting a timer and allowing yourself to fully experience those emotions. Some individuals benefit from "release writing," a free-writing exercise that lasts three to five minutes to vent negative thoughts. Once the timer goes off, create a plan for moving forward, specifying the emotional state you wish to achieve. Keisha chose calmness and we devised strategies, including breathing exercises and brief yoga sessions, to help her reach this goal.
Broaden Your Definition of Success
As a sensitive striver, you might have a rigid view of what success looks like—often equating it with perfection. Expanding your definition of achievement can lead to greater fulfillment. Since you cannot always control the outcomes of your efforts, consider other markers of success, such as:
- Overcoming fear or hesitation
- Standing firm in your beliefs
- Adopting a creative mindset
- Achieving smaller milestones on your way to larger goals
Set aside time at the end of your workday to reflect on your accomplishments and moments of pride. When you act in accordance with your values, you are achieving remarkable success.
Sensitive strivers possess a strong desire to excel. When managed effectively, this drive becomes an asset. By moderating your self-critical tendencies, you can harness your ambition and sensitivity positively.
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In this video, Mel Robbins shares practical insights on how to replace negative self-talk with empowering thoughts and behaviors.
