Understanding Adult Friendships: Why They Can Be Hard to Maintain
Written on
Chapter 1: The Struggle for Connection
Are you an adult feeling isolated, perhaps a recent graduate eagerly awaiting responses to countless job applications, all while realizing that your college experience was largely devoid of social interaction? If so, you're not alone.
It’s important to note that conventional wisdom often misses the mark when it comes to understanding adult friendships, especially for neurodivergent individuals. Searches for answers might yield results that leave you feeling even more disheartened: anxiety, neediness, or social awkwardness are often cited as reasons for loneliness. While these traits can be relevant, they don't truly explain the absence of friendships.
Instead, I aim to shed light on this complex issue, particularly for fellow neurodivergents who may feel lost in social waters that seem so easy for others to navigate. Here are three key factors contributing to your friendless situation.
Section 1.1: Reason 1 - Difficulty in Maintaining Friendships
You may excel at forming friendships but struggle with their upkeep. Many articles suggest that neurodivergent individuals are inherently unsociable, perpetuating harmful stereotypes that can diminish self-worth. These outdated views can further complicate the already challenging process of making and keeping friends.
During my time working at a bookstore, I was surrounded by neurodivergent colleagues, and we shared some of the most profound conversations about our common interests—books, games, and hyperfixations. However, after leaving that job, I lost touch with those friends, highlighting the challenge of sustaining friendships outside of a shared environment.
Maintaining connections often requires a social understanding that isn’t readily taught. Throughout school, we engage with the same people daily, but once that structure fades, how do we navigate friendships?
Section 1.2: Reason 2 - Experiencing Burnout
After making a friend, the excitement can sometimes lead to burnout. Neurodivergent individuals often feel compelled to mask their true selves, creating a persona that aligns with their new friend’s expectations. This can leave one feeling unseen and misunderstood.
As interests shift, especially between neurodivergent and neurotypical individuals, the disparity can lead to fatigue. It's akin to performing in a play—sustaining a façade is exhausting and unsustainable. A true friendship allows for authenticity and understanding.
The first video, "Why I Can't Make and Keep Friends," delves into the complexities of forming lasting connections. It examines the emotional and social challenges many face, particularly within the neurodivergent community.
Section 1.3: Reason 3 - Unmet Emotional Expectations
This reason can be particularly challenging to confront. Often, we may unknowingly expect our friends to fulfill emotional needs that we should be addressing ourselves. After emerging from a controlling relationship, I realized that I had inadvertently placed unfair demands on my friendships, seeking validation and support I needed to cultivate within myself.
It’s crucial to reflect on what you expect from your friendships. Are you looking for companionship to fill a void, or do you want to share experiences? Healthy relationships require boundaries, which are essential for mutual respect and understanding.
The second video, "This is why you STRUGGLE to make friends as an adult," offers insights into the emotional intricacies of adult friendships, particularly for those navigating neurodivergent experiences.
Conclusion: Finding Meaningful Connections
In adulthood, it can feel like social opportunities dwindle. Work routines often leave little room for genuine connection. To cultivate friendships, consider joining groups or classes that spark your interests, such as pottery or hiking.
However, remember that friendships should not serve as an escape from loneliness. It’s essential to be comfortable in your own company before seeking to connect with others. True friendships arise from a place of self-acceptance and understanding, leading to deeper, more meaningful bonds.