What People Share with Their Sex Therapist
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Chapter 1: Understanding Mismatched Desires
I have always believed that my true calling lies in sex therapy. Friends often compliment my relationship advice (perhaps they're just being kind, but I prefer to believe it) and I find sex to be an endlessly intriguing subject. It's a vital aspect of our lives, yet remains shrouded in taboo when it comes to open discussions.
Recently, I came across an article highlighting the prevalent issues encountered in sexual therapy sessions. Topping the list is the challenge of differing sexual desires. A study involving 1,500 participants revealed that only 22% felt their sexual appetite matched that of their partner. Surprisingly, 53% expressed a desire for more sex than their partner, while 25% felt the opposite.
The outcome of this disparity in libido often manifests as tension, frustration, and resentment.
After digesting this information, I spoke with a close friend who has a higher sex drive than her husband. Her candid response was, "Poorly." She mentioned that she has approached the subject with him multiple times, which tends to yield a temporary increase in their sexual activity. However, she noted that these encounters often fall into the same monotonous routine. While she appreciates his effort, she longs for more than just the usual.
Her insight sheds light on a common issue: it's not just about differing sex drives; it's also about the predictability of their intimate moments. She craves variety and excitement, not just frequency.
I suspect this sentiment resonates with many couples. When one partner desires 'more' sex, it usually comes with additional expectations—more excitement, variety, spontaneity, or even an adventurous twist.
So, what should couples do? Her guidance was to discuss these feelings openly and without defensiveness. Clearly communicate your desires: Is it more sex? Is it variety? Or perhaps spontaneity? It's crucial to express what you want without feeling guilty, and to avoid judging your partner's desires.
Accommodate: We all have the innate desire to see our partners happy. When you learn what your partner seeks, remember the love you share and the joy it would bring them to fulfill their needs.
Energize: If you recognize that some behavioral changes are necessary on your part, approach them with enthusiasm. Improving your relationship benefits both you and your partner.
Seek Compromise: Acknowledge your own feelings and desires in the conversation. Ensure it remains a dialogue, where both partners express their needs, even if that means carving out more personal time.
Even the most sexually active couples experience phases where one partner may desire intimacy more than the other. This doesn't have to jeopardize the relationship; instead, use these moments as opportunities to deepen your understanding of each other and foster growth.
In the video "Talking to Clients About Sex and Intimacy," the expert discusses the importance of navigating these intimate conversations with sensitivity and openness, emphasizing the role of effective communication in resolving mismatched desires.