The Hidden Cost of Being Nice: A Journey to Self-Assertion
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Chapter 1: The Burden of Niceness
The expectation to be nice often comes with significant costs.
My closest friends would agree that I have a tendency to seek approval from others. While the outside world may perceive me differently, I am making strides to change this habit. It's been an ongoing internal conflict.
Many people fall into the category of being a people-pleaser. Although we may not strive to please every single person, we do aim to satisfy the majority—especially those we care about. We often desire the envy of those we don't particularly like, leading to a cycle of seeking approval from others.
Section 1.1: The Roots in Childhood
This tendency often begins in childhood.
Every time we heed an adult's request, we receive validation.
This positive reinforcement triggers a dopamine response, making us feel good.
In discussing "niceness," it's important to recognize that while raising children, we inadvertently reinforce this behavior. When children are excessively nice, even without prompt, we shower them with praise. As a result, their brains start forming patterns that associate niceness with love and appreciation.
The process begins: as children, they learn that saying "yes" to adults—regardless of the situation—earns them affection and approval. These neural connections grow stronger with time, particularly as children seek affirmation from their peers in school.
Once they transition into young adulthood, they begin to experience the world independently and may find themselves questioning these ingrained beliefs. If their upbringing was overly sheltered by kind adults, their perception of niceness becomes skewed, leading them to believe that happiness is contingent upon being agreeable.
Section 1.2: The Transition to Adulthood
After a decade or more of conditioning to please others, many individuals reach adulthood only to realize that this isn't a sustainable way to live. However, breaking free from these ingrained habits is no easy feat.
Our minds often react automatically, making it difficult to pause and consider our choices. Like any deeply ingrained habit, the fear of not being "nice" can elicit feelings of guilt and shame. The deeper the need for validation, the more pronounced these feelings become.
This cycle can be exhausting; we feel miserable if we aren't catering to others, yet simultaneously resentful for being unable to advocate for our own needs. When those around us fail to recognize our sacrifices, we feel betrayed, having trained them to expect our compliance.
By the time we reach a certain age, the joy associated with being nice may fade away. We find ourselves confused about the line between standing up for ourselves and being perceived as rude.
Chapter 2: Understanding the Nuances
The first video, "9-A-Day: Does Christlikeness benefit more than just the individual & Fruit 5 - Kindness," delves into the broader implications of kindness and its effects on personal growth and relationships.
The second video, "Glorification," explores the themes of self-worth and the importance of authenticity in our interactions.
It's essential to differentiate between people-pleasing, empathy, and genuine love. People-pleasing stems from a desire for external validation, while empathy allows for a deeper emotional connection with others. Conversely, acting out of love involves making choices aligned with our values, taking into account both our needs and those of others.
Embracing Self-Assertion
To start the journey toward self-assertion, we must engage in self-reflection and prioritize our own well-being. Our happiness should not solely hinge on the approval of others. Establishing healthy boundaries, effectively communicating our needs, and learning to value ourselves are crucial steps on this path.
Embracing self-assertion does not mean neglecting the feelings of others; it means cultivating a balance that encourages personal growth while fostering authentic relationships. By understanding the roots of our people-pleasing tendencies, acknowledging our struggles, and distinguishing between different types of behavior, we can move toward a more genuine and fulfilling life.