The Backstory: A Culture of Subservience

My upbringing was steeped in a restrictive religious environment that emphasized female subservience. As a girl, I was taught to be a “help-mate,” obedient to my father, husband, and any male authority figure. I was conditioned to suppress my voice, even in prayer, if a man was present. This ingrained belief system instilled in me the notion that dating was merely a prelude to marriage, leading me to marry without truly understanding my own desires.

At 19, I managed to escape that cult-like environment, but not without sacrificing my family and community. Despite the challenges that lay ahead, I felt an unwavering moral obligation to leave. I packed my belongings into a small car and embarked on a 3,000-mile journey from Florida to California, a significant turning point in my life.

Origin of My Toxic Relationship

While I had escaped the confines of that religion, the ideologies had left a lasting imprint on my psyche. I continued to believe in traditional gender roles and the permanence of marriage, which led me to overlook glaring red flags when I met my future husband.

One notable incident occurred early in our relationship. While visiting his home, he left me alone in his room, only to return after dinner without a word of invitation. I was left feeling ignored and dismissed, yet I remained seated instead of honoring my emotions and leaving. This incident was a significant warning sign that I chose to ignore, ultimately paving the way for years of gaslighting and emotional neglect.

Over time, I convinced myself that enduring hardship was a natural part of love and marriage. For 19 long years, I remained with this man, raising two children and building a life together, all while suppressing my own needs and desires.

Boundaries and the Act of Letting Go

When your existence revolves around pleasing someone else, you lose your sense of boundaries. This relentless pursuit of approval pushed me to the edge, where I found myself hanging on precariously. My health began to deteriorate, culminating in multiple hospital visits due to severe blood pressure issues.

Ultimately, I reached a breaking point. I realized that if I remained in this toxic marriage, my health would continue to decline, and I risked losing my life. Thus, I chose to let go and take the plunge. I enrolled in a 12-week group therapy program designed for women in abusive situations, and I started to confront the reality of my circumstances.

The journey was fraught with tears and heartache. I lost friends I thought I could rely on and was forced to downsize my living situation. However, this was the beginning of rediscovering myself.

I moved into a modest apartment with my two boys and invested in a beautiful Tiffany-blue bike, joining a cycling team where I met inspiring women who had triumphed over their struggles. Each victory, from completing a 100-mile bike race to running marathons, helped me rebuild my confidence and discover my own boundaries.

With newfound strength, I pursued a master’s degree as a single mother, learning to listen to my inner voice and embrace my power. I now dedicate my life to empowering other women, guiding them to find their own voice and purpose. Letting go was the most liberating decision I ever made. Choosing the unknown over the toxicity of my past led me to a vibrant path filled with opportunities. While the journey may not always be smooth, it is mine, and I move forward with pride and an open heart.

— — — — — — — — — -

Tiphany Kane, M.Ed, is the Heck Yes! Coach, co-founder of KaSa Media Productions, and host of two podcasts, “Radical Audacity in Love & Life” and “Mastering the Podcaster Mindset.” Passionate about empowering women in their second act, Tiphany can be found on Instagram @Tiphanykane.