Overcoming Shame: A Path to Achieving Your Goals
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Chapter 1: Understanding Shame
Shame often hinders our ability to reach our aspirations. It’s crucial to recognize that shame doesn’t only arise from wrongdoing. Let’s delve into this concept a bit deeper. Often, we tell ourselves harmful narratives about our worth:
- I feel so unattractive that I believe anyone would be lucky to have me.
- My upbringing makes me feel obligated to accept unreasonable demands at work without proper compensation.
- My awkwardness leads me to believe that I deserve to be bullied.
- I feel ashamed of my body, leading others to focus on my appearance rather than my intellect.
Can you relate to these thoughts? I certainly can, having once harbored similar beliefs. It wasn’t until I investigated the nature of shame that I recognized the detrimental mindset I had developed over the years.
Dr. Lucy O’Brien, a philosophy professor at UCL, wrote about shame, identifying two distinct scenarios that lead to feelings of shame. The first is when we engage in morally reprehensible actions—think of cases like Ghislaine Maxwell's sex trafficking. The second, which may come as a surprise, occurs when we haven’t done anything wrong but find ourselves in circumstances that provoke feelings of shame.
An extreme example is when victims of sexual harassment feel shame for being violated, which is profoundly unjust; the shame should rest with the perpetrator. This concept has been termed the “practical weight” of shame.
Chapter 2: The Impact of Shame on Our Goals
Why does shame play a significant role in our New Year's resolutions and our overall goal-setting? Previously, we discussed self-limiting beliefs, which often intertwine with feelings of shame.
Have you heard Cynthia Nixon recite the poignant poem “Be a Lady They Said”? The poem highlights the contradictory societal expectations imposed on women, leading to deep-seated uncertainty and shame.
As an anthropologist, I can attest that society is a tapestry woven from diverse voices. While a culture may appear cohesive, it is often fragmented and rife with contradictions. We frequently internalize these conflicting messages—whether from social media, casual remarks, or societal norms—leading to feelings of shame about our identities and actions.
The weight of shame can significantly undermine our self-esteem, distorting our perception of reality. This is a considerable obstacle to overcome. To reclaim our confidence, we must reconstruct our understanding of reality.
The first video, How To Overcome Shame | Vince Miller, addresses the pervasive nature of shame and offers insights on how to navigate it effectively.
Four Strategies to Outrun Shame
I use the term "outrun" to describe the race between shame and rational thinking in our quest for clarity. If shame wins this race, it can distort our understanding of reality. Fortunately, even if shame initially takes control, we can dismantle it and restore our truth. Here’s how:
Acknowledge Your Shame:
Begin by listing everything that makes you feel ashamed. Some may find this easy; for others, it may require digging into early memories. It can be uncomfortable, but it’s vital to remember that it’s not you who is at fault; it’s shame that has warped your perspective.
Reframe Your Narrative:
Take a phrase like, "I feel ashamed of my geekiness, which justifies the bullying I face." Challenge this thought by asking: "Who should really be ashamed here?" The bully is the one at fault, not you.
Forgive the Context:
After recognizing the unfairness of the situation, it’s easy to fall into anger, but this only perpetuates the cycle of shame. For instance, if a teacher fat-shamed you, it’s essential to understand that their behavior reflects their issues. Forgiveness is key to breaking free from this cycle.
Neutralize Shame:
Once you’ve acknowledged and reframed your thoughts, you can neutralize shame. Changing "I am fat" to "I have gained weight" removes the judgment and allows you to view the situation factually, making it easier to set realistic goals.
The second video, Help! I'm Out of Control - Greater Reward Part 1, dives deeper into the challenges of managing emotions and establishing control.
By outrunning our shame, we learn to see things more clearly. When we identify irrational thoughts, rewrite our narratives, and practice forgiveness, we can move forward.
Going forward, gaining weight simply means adopting healthier habits without self-hatred or extreme dieting. Reconstruct your narrative for any past experiences that have led to feelings of shame.
By releasing shame, we diminish its practical weight and restore a sense of peace. From this renewed perspective, we can make rational decisions to achieve our goals. This approach embodies a practical form of stoicism, which I will discuss further in the future.
While today’s newsletter is philosophical, fostering a healthier relationship with our shame brings us closer to emotional liberation and spiritual growth. If this message doesn’t resonate with you just yet, it may simply be a matter of timing.
Consider saving this newsletter for future reflection, as it may prove valuable later.
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Midori by the Sea — High consciousness writer: Spiritually Affluent, Financially Abundant.