Embrace Self-Compassion: Stop "Shoulding" on Yourself
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Chapter 1: The Weight of Self-Criticism
A few years back, in a moment of exasperation, I collapsed onto my bed. I had repeated a mistake that revealed my shortcomings yet again. I scolded myself, “I ought to be doing better by this point!” and “What’s wrong with me?”
As I lay there, I felt a profound inner response—call it intuition, divine insight, or your higher self. The message was clear: “I’m not here to discuss your flaws. Let’s focus on your strengths instead.”
Many of us have a tendency to value self-criticism, believing it signifies honesty, accountability, and integrity. We often think that to evolve into better individuals, we must delve deeply within and confront our weaknesses head-on.
However, emerging research suggests otherwise: instead of fostering honesty, our inner critics often impose unrealistic expectations. Instead of promoting self-honesty, they lead to self-hostility.
As noted in a Psychology Today report, “Studies across the US, Canada, Israel, and Europe indicate that self-criticism is linked to a range of issues including depression, anxiety, eating disorders, substance abuse, juvenile delinquency, physical health problems, and even suicide.”
Section 1.1: Recognizing the Problem
A desire for self-improvement is commendable, but when does this aspiration turn detrimental?
Identifying when self-criticism becomes harmful doesn’t require a degree or foresight. It’s often a hidden truth that’s easily overlooked.
The need for self-reflection must cease when your internal alarm bells start ringing. If you find yourself feeling hopeless or anxious, and if your thoughts are dominated by “You should be doing this instead of that,” it’s time to reassess.
Important Note: I fully support seeking professional help when necessary. There are instances when emotional struggles warrant expert assistance, but this is not always the case.
Subsection 1.1.1: Shifting Your Perspective
Healthy self-reflection should yield a sense of hope rather than despair. When we reflect, we should evaluate whether our thoughts are uplifting or oppressive.
The inner critic often twists our “coulds” into an overwhelming list of “shoulds.” Consequently, you may feel trapped in a cycle where nothing seems right.
This relentless "shoulding" leads not only to self-derision but also to a dangerous urge to give up. In doing so, you deny yourself—and the world—of your unique potential and the joy that comes from it.
Chapter 2: Cultivating Self-Encouragement
It’s time to end the habit of “shoulding” on yourself and begin fostering self-encouragement.
Start by rewarding yourself for accomplishments, no matter how small, and give yourself the recognition you deserve. It’s not just the significant achievements that matter; it’s the small victories that build self-love.
When we nourish love for ourselves, we realize that the seemingly trivial acts are often the most significant. You are too valuable to abandon yourself!
Bonus Tip:
Remember, the quality of our lives is shaped by the narratives we construct about ourselves and others. For more on this, read my piece: The Stories We Tell Ourselves Matter.
This TEDx talk by Stacey Hall discusses the detrimental effects of self-criticism and how to focus on self-acceptance and encouragement.
In this video, learn about recognizing personal desires and shedding the weight of societal expectations on what you "should" do.